Boundaries are Good for Us
In my therapy practice, patients share experiences related to their parents, spouses, siblings, friends, bosses and subordinates that are disrespect boundaries. These situations give them grief.
What is a boundary in a relationship? It is the space between people — physical, mental, emotional and sexual — that is essential for healthy relationships. A healthy relationship is one in which boundaries are respected.
Let’s take parents and children.
Adult children are often critical of their older parents, feeling they know better. It could be true, but what is also true is that parents must be allowed to make decisions about their lives, independent of their children. Even when it’s a challenge that children, who are providing care for their parents, have to make decisions that then affect their lives. For example, older parents are reluctant to move to be closer to their adult children, fearing change in their lives. The children feel it’s more convenient if their parents are closer to them, so they can take care of them in emergencies. Both sides are right in their view.
In the same way, parents, when their children are adults, must accept and respect that their children will make decisions about their lives. Often parents find it difficult to give up control of their children’s lives — in terms of careers, partners and lifestyles. They give unsolicited advice, which then leads to friction between them and their children.
How to deal with this?
In both cases, parents and children, suffer because their suggestions or views are not taken seriously by the other. This happens because boundaries have not been established between them. And these boundaries mean that both parties know what to share and not to share with each other, and are able to communicate when these boundaries are crossed. But communication can happen, if each party realises there is a problem and wants to resolve it. Instead, people feel guilty, and blame themselves and the other, about the way they feel.
A start can be made by gently and firmly saying that the unsolicited advice will be taken under advice. It is then up to each party to pay attention to it or not. If we do not do this, then we suffer and there is anger and irritation, and we close our hearts to each other. This does not help keep a relationship healthy.
Often we find it difficult to see things from the other’s point of view and feel what works for us could work for the other. This is not necessarily true. Respecting each other’s views is important, but respecting ourselves is too.
Meaningful boundaries also mean establishing some distance from each other. In families and friendships where there is unhealthy closeness, it’s hard to establish boundaries. This recognition means respect of each other’s time, views and lifestyles. We don’t have to agree on everything.
Creating and respecting boundaries starts with ourselves. It’s a good idea to start with writing, by hand, this list of questions for yourself.
1. What kind of relationship do I want with this person?
2. What will I need to do to get it?
3. What are 3 things in this relationship I value and make me feel good?
4. What are 3 things in this relationship that don’t make me feel good?
For more details on boundaries you could consult the following article which gives in detail what boundaries are and how to set them.
The 6 Types Of Healthy Boundaries & How To Set Them | mindbodygreen
Establishing healthy boundaries is good for your physical and mental health.
